It’s a weird time to be a movie fan right now. With the closure of cinemas due to the current pandemic new films have become a rare thing, with Netflix reveling in its constant supply of original content, most of which seems to hit their target market quite nicely. Netflix is so far ahead of the pack in this regard and is totally dominating the streaming market during the pandemic, to the point where you would be forgiven for forgetting that Disney+ was even a thing, having seemingly not released anything worth mentioning since The Mandalorian. With a brand name like Disney it is hard to believe that their first big budget, highly publicised release on the platform in months is as bad as Artemis Fowl unfortunately is. Indeed the film, directed by long-time Disney collaborator Kenneth Branagh, is an almost incomprehensible mish-mash of genres and tones; in addition to being one of the most corniest things I’ve seen in years. People throw the word “cringeworthy” around a lot these days, but I can think of no better word to describe Artemis Fowl, a monumental misfire that almost has to be seen to be believed.
Based on the young adult novels of the same name by Irish author Eoin Colfer, the film centres around boy genius Artemis Fowl Jr (Ferdia Shaw), a charismatic young man seemingly burdened with great intelligence, spending his days arguing with schoolteachers about his attitude towards the work he considers beneath him. His nights, however are spent alongside his father (Colin Farrell), a renowned billionaire art dealer and entrepreneur who secretly schools his son in all manner of Irish fairytales and folklore. When his father mysteriously disappears, Artemis begins to realise that the world of goblins and sprites that his father has described is real and finds himself in a race against time to recover the Aculos, an ancient artefact whose powers are never really quantified and which simply cannot fall into the wrong hands as it will destroy the worlds, both fairy and human. You know, the usual stuff. Teaming up with bodyguard Domovoi (Nonso Anozie), fugitive dwarf and expert safe cracker Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad) and fairy police officer Holly Short (Lara McDonnell), Artemis must comb through his father’s studies in order to search for the Aculos and prevent certain doom.
Sounds like a lot of cliched exposition-heavy hooey doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Artemis Fowl’s chief problem is that it is so bogged down with exposition and needless world building that it forgets to give the story strong enough characters for the audience to latch onto. Everyone is so woefully underwritten that you never really get a grasp of who anyone really is. Sure, they all get a scene highlighting their defining attributes; Domovoi is the cranky butler who specialises in martial arts, Mulch is the wise-cracking bandit who can dig under buildings and Holly has a troubled past and wings. That’s about as far as it goes, depth-wise. Even Artemis himself, the so called “criminal mastermind” has been so toned down from the book, devoid of any personality, criminal or otherwise. He’s simply an annoyingly arrogant little twerp, who constantly corrects people and thinks he is outsmarting them only to get one-upped every time. Then there’s the story, or lack thereof. The pacing of it all is such that by the time the first proper action scene rolls around and you think you’re getting to the good stuff, the credits roll. I’m not kidding. The film literally has one scene that you could pass off as an action scene and even that is pretty poor by today’s standards. There are a few attempts to innovate by playing with time and warping characters around the joint and this is where Artemis Fowl is at its best, when nobody is speaking and the story isn’t being discussed. Outside of these small pieces however, the action is largely pretty terrible, lacking the CGI polish of similar Disney tentpoles.
It’s not even worth mentioning here that the film is set in Ireland, because the film needlessly beats you over the head with the fact so often that the phrase “Shut the four-leaf clover up” is actually uttered. Again, I’m not kidding. It’s a pity that the cast themselves didn’t get the Irish memo, as every character that attempts the accent invariably decides to abandon it in spots, particularly Fowl himself Ferdia Shaw. He is a young talent and still learning, so it can be forgiven but it is a jarring shift to go from an Irish accent to high class British as often as the shot changes, but that isn’t the worst offender. Josh Gad and Judi Dench, yes the esteemed Dame Judi Dench, have seemingly been given the direction to talk as if they have both a chest infection and a mouth full of marbles, as an excuse for gruff, world weary characters. The paycheck must have been good for Dench, who seems to despise every corny, nonsensical line she is forced to utter as the Head of Fairy Police and Holly Short’s mentor. Her presence brings a certain prestige to the picture, but it is clear that she is well past these CGI heavy roles and her tiredness shows in the performance. To his credit Josh Gad is the standout here, clearly going for something as the charmingly offbeat Mulch Diggums, a portly combination of Gimli from Lord of the Rings and Chris Pratt’s Star Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy. He is clearly having fun experimenting with the comedy here and whilst not all the choices pay off, his presence is a welcome distraction from the tedium of Artemis’ storyline.
What baffles me most about Artemis Fowl is the involvement of Kenneth Branagh in the directing duties. The film seemed robbed of all his sensibilities and style, an incredibly bland journey through a world begging to be a mash-up between Star Wars and Harry Potter and coming nowhere near the greatness of either of them. Branagh has said that he made numerous changes from the book and the finished product just doesn’t do anything to justify that decision, as we are forced to listen to huge chunks of exposition and fairy history at a time. He seems so preoccupied with the sheer scale and intricacies of the world that he has forgotten to actually adapt the book. Despite Josh Gad’s best efforts, Artemis Fowl is ultimately an incredibly boring and corny film that completely squanders the rich property it is based on and does nothing to bolster Disney+’s already scarce original content offerings. Do yourself a favour and avoid this one at all costs, unless you feel like a good 90 minute nap, of course.
Artemis Fowl stars Ferdia Shaw, Josh Gad, Judi Dench, Lara McDonnell, Nonso Anozie & Colin Farrell – Streaming on Disney+ now.